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- Christina

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Toronto
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Canadian author + speaker Christina Crook communicates about technology, humanity, faith & wonder for audiences and publications throughout the world.

JOURNAL

The Ark

Christina Crook

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My need for quiet rises in the folds of mid-morning. My hands stack papers, sorted then filed. The handwork is a kind of mindwork, decluttering the mess of early day. Of running up and downstairs seeking mittens and children. Of tending to hot pans and smears of toothpaste. Of walking home in crisp air, tripping over the tired long lists already playing through my head. 

I sit on the floor and sort. 

I start many workdays this way. Tell myself that if the room is tidy, my mind will tidy, my thoughts will lay out flat, my heart rate slow, my soul quiet. 

But the truth is, it doesn't work. 

For all the outer order, my inner landscape stays muddled. Shame lurks in corners assuring me my work is of little worth. I sit at a tidied desk swarmed with fear. 

No, the quiet space is further. It’s buried beneath my ribcage, a sharp point in my fleshy centre. I have to get down on the floor, on all fours. Knees bent on hardwood desperate for mopping, elbows jutting down while hands lace up in prayer. My head comes low, all the way down to floorboards, and I must call out. 

I call out for the great quiet. I call out to the star of the sea. She is the settler of storms. He is the calm for these waters. 

I need quiet, yes. A silence within. An empty ark on a Monday, needing to be filled.

 


It’s mental health week. Let’s dare to tell our stories.

#mentalhealth #mentalhealthishealth #getloud #anxiety

Choosing a Fear-Less 2018

Christina Crook

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For a long time I thought the problem in my life was fear. Fear of saying the wrong things. Fear of being misunderstood. And that fear drove me, in the most powerful way. It caused me to hide. It caused me to second-guess myself. It caused me in many ways to play small. I blamed my hiding on fear.

Yesterday I had a friend challenge my thinking on fear. He said, “I don’t think your problem is fear at all. I think that’s a red herring. I think your problem is control.”

In that moment I realized that it’s not fear that’s been holding me back from stepping into some of the things I know I’m called to but it’s actually control, my need and desire and compulsion to control all things at all times.

So much of my fear around social media is not painting a proper picture for others. I want people to know just enough about me to know that I’m human and broken and learning day by day. The controlling part of me wants to build social strategy and I have no idea how to do that and so I get quiet and run away. When so much of our lives are spent online, controlling and curating, it’s difficult to know what’s real anymore.

Do you know what the opposite of fear is? It’s curiosity. It’s opening ourselves up to possibility. It’s saying that our offering is enough. It’s walking forward in trust that our efforts to love, to live, and to learn are worth it.

I’m tempted to say that the opposite of fear is joy. The opposite of fear is curiosity and trust and courage and calmness. That sounds like joy to me. The opposite of fear feels like quiet confidence.

This year I hope to have the courage to be curious.

I’m going to try some new things this year. One of those new things is partnering with an incredible woman named Elissa Joy Watts. One of those new things is piloting workshops in Toronto with her. One of those new things is following my curiosity and trusting my gut more.

One of my biggest fears has been that I don’t know what I’m doing. I just don’t. But here’s the best friggin’ news: Nobody Does.

Let’s do this, 2018. Who’s with me?