Category — Motherhood

boy! Yes, Madeleine’s little brother will arrive sometime in early August. Boy, oh boy. It’s a boy.

Boy.

Dear friends who have no children,

Do not be led to believe the RAMPANT FALLACY that kids will fit nicely into your life.

They will NOT.

They will TAKE OVER IT.

Parenting is a FULL TIME OCCUPATION.

Do not be fooled by the pictures of cute nurseries and fun times at the park and soy lattes downed at pretty cafes in the middle of the day. This is childcare. This is non-stop, run-off-your-feet service to a small person whom you are not only trying to spare from skinned knees but who you are trying to mold into a secure, compassionate, kind little man/lady.

From the moment you wake up to the moment you crash into bed with a pile of stinking laundry at your feet, you will have worked. You will work a 14 hour day. EVERY DAY. And if you hire a nanny/babysitter/daycare when you head back to work you will still work just as much. You’ll just have the added benefit of feeling ultra-conflicted about it. Especially part-time workers (there are some amazing studies about this.)

For the ladies who are planning on bearing children, this is the best advice I can give you:

1. Plan for most of your energy/memory/dreams/thoughts/career to be poured into your offspring. Throw plans of amazing side projects and exciting work to the sidelines and THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS if you are able to make a go of them in the first couple of years of your kiddos’ life/lives.
2. Plan to be jealous of your single friends. And plan to be misunderstood by them. Parenthood makes ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE to the childless (think about you) unless they happen to be childcare providers, in which case they will extend grace upon grace as you cancel/change plans on them OVER AND OVER. Make an effort to see friends on their terms when the opportunity presents itself (i.e. don’t always make them come to you. This is easier said than done.)
3. Read The Mask of Motherhood NOW.
4. Join a weekly mom’s group as soon as you possibly can. It will SAVE YOU.
5. Get the HELL out of the house. Have a routine, a walking route that leads you to the library/coffee shop/grocery store/park EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Children are the joy of life. But childbirth, childcare, and childEVERYTHING are one giant act of sacrifice.

The same way we surrender ourselves to love, to partnership, to faith, we surrender ourselves to parenthood, leaving behind the tidy shelves, careers, and ideas we had about how our lives might unfold.

DON’T THROW THE BABY OUT WITH THE BATH WATER. It’s worth it. But you need to know what you’re getting yourself into.

I hadn’t the slightest.

Our house is chaos, but we love it.

We love the stained glass, the hardwood floors, Madeleine’s aubergine room, and the piano room with the view of our winter-ravaged backyard. We love our neighbours who have lent us heaters and a hand while we went without heat our first week here (turned out all it was a dead battery in the thermostat, oops.) We love that the next door neighbours have teens keen to babysit and that I met a lovely lady named Reve whose sister wants to nanny part-time. I love that my midwife group is only a five minute drive away. I love that the kids go fishing in High Park and that there are fall fish runs in the nearby Humber River. I love that a hippy-(read: Vancouver)-looking mama told me that.

I am making lists, taking names. We bought a used Subaru and a sweet marigold couch straight out of the seventies for our little reading nook, for $40.

We are piecing it together, together.

(House-in-progress pictures to follow)

A friend, my counselor Anne, recently helped me see that growing up I couldn’t really rely on family markers so I have grown to rely on the specific markers of a city to create a sense of self, a sense of place. When I move I lose my markers and, in a sense, myself. So it’s important to stake out my daily routines in Toronto right away.

I have never been so thankful for the necessity of food. When we arrive we’ll have breakfast, lunch, and dinner. We’ll also need to go outside so Madeleine and I don’t go stir crazy swimming in a sea of unpacked boxes. So, we’ll walk. We’ll stake out the neighbourhood. Find our coffee shop. Befriend our neighbours. Start looking for a church. We’ll find the fruit and veggie shop. But we’ll do it slowly.

I’ll set small goals: one thing in the house, and one thing outside, a day. And piece by piece we will build a new life.

And yet, our hearts will stay rooted to our loved ones at home. My sweet stepmother who yesterday, on my birthday, stood at the bottom of the stairs, her eyes a swell of tears, as she swung Madeleine in her arms. And my dad, a tower of wisdom, honesty, love. And my mother and stepfather, ever-givers. And my grandmother who, every time she calls, leaves me with a doxology: “May the Lord bless you and keep you.” And my brothers and their lovely wives, and their sweet children who I desperately want to know and be known by. And my amazing sister-in-law Brittany, aka May-May, our housemate who Madeleine runs to as she speeds up on her motorbike at supper hour. And my friends, so many of whom have made the journey to Bowen and rejoiced in this sweet gift of a home, and helped me talk through the fears, and who are never more than a phone call away.

And they still will be. And we have skype. And we have airplanes. And we have a guest room. And we will work at it. And, as my Dad reminded me yesterday (as we swung Madeleine round their gardens – One, two, three, oopsie-daisies — like he did me when I was little) that it will be hard and lonely but that God’s grace is sufficient for us. And I cling to this truth as I type this on a final Pacific morning.

And the things I am looking forward to in Toronto (all tidily tucked away in a file folder I have titled HOPE) are:

• walks along the Humber River
• creating a home in our house
• coffee dates with Annie and Miles
• going to Lil’ Bean and Green Cafe
• exploring U of T
• an incredible retreat/writing assignment in P.E.I. in May
• making new friends
• finding our church
• exploring the St. Lawrence Market
• day trips to the Toronto Islands
• new seasons, new colours
• hanging laundry in our backyard while Madeleine plays in the sandbox
• getting a bike
• the Distillery District
• setting up my space — a room of one’s own — a creative studio/workspace on the main floor
• visitors
• connecting with my Aunt Astrid
• work that keeps me connected to B.C. — www.art-bc.com, sheloves, the light
• flea market /antique store finds
• hanging our art
• voting for Gerard Kennedy
• Toronto Fashion Week, Luminato, IMAGE and Comment journal events, One of a Kind show
• hosting our house-warming party

madeleine and her adorable cousin sloane

sometimes.

the enormity of my mama-role swallows my pea-mind whole and falls me to tears and I think of all the babies in the world who have never known their womb mothers, never seen their seed fathers, seen their faces a thousand times and never swam in the tsunami of their love. and I find myself ebbing salt streams, biting lower lip, peering at my daughter, whispering a gratitude so deep it’s like a chisel having its way with my ribcage. and i think of the other, the 19-week son/daughter swimming through his/her childhood and beg Heaven to show me how to bathe them in the world’s good Truth.

and today Nicole showed me that…

“since i’m here, committed to the death, it’s best if i distill the job down to essentials: my main goal as a parent is to help my kids make much of God. it’s as simple and impossible as that. college scholarships and trombone lessons and starting midfield are all icing on the cake, buttery but optional. if i can knead their hearts soft toward Him, i will have mothered well.”

Crayons at breakfast, Nita Lake Lodge Whistler

I had high hopes of launching a little onesie/kids’ tee company late last fall but our garment provider neglected to come through in time for Christmas (sorry Zee Spot, you dropped the ball.) I was, however, able to pull together a little sample for my new nephew Benjamin. Here he is sporting the very first Badge of Honour onesie.

Oh, and here is the little logo I designed.

Maybe I’ll get things rolling later this year…

Michael and Madeleine, January 2011

i am not the mother writer who pours out lines like quarts of milk. i loathe her, the everyday blogger/writer/mother/poet, though i know i shouldn’t.

my lines rarely come in a flourish. i am a one line wonder. sometimes, slowly these words make their way into form. often they remain alone on the pages of journals, on scraps of magazines/napkins/bulletins i place in piles with care.

i often wonder about poets’ process. i thought it might be nice to show you how a poem might begin.

like this:

a line that came to me while looking through the bedroom window lying in bed one morning.

My most recent contribution to Sweetmama.ca:

Bowen Island Day Trip

A short ferry ride from Horseshoe Bay, or a water taxi from Granville Island, will land you and your little ones at the mouth of Snug Cove — the start of your day’s exploration of quaint, artsy Bowen Island.

Best Lunch Spot:  Artisan Eats Café & Fine Foods
For a nutritious and reasonably-priced kids’ menu that includes a free range mini-burger, cheesy noodles and yam fries ($5-7), head to this European-inspired market.
39 Artisan Ln.; 604-947-0190; www.artisaneats.ca

Best Shopping for All: Phoenix
Browse through books, toys and crafts at Phoenix, while tables of Playmobil entertain your children.
209 Village Sq.; 604-947-2793; www.phoenixonbowen.com

Best Splurges: Wren Boutique
From Dagg & Stacey and Granted knits, to select children’s pieces from Cielo and Hunter boots, owner Erin Norgan’s handpicked eco-offerings surpass the mainland’s best.
569 Artisan Ln.; 604-947-0050; www.wrenboutique.com

Best Treats: Cocoa West
Indulge in a luxurious hot chocolate, an “Unbelievably Good Egg” or a scoop of Mario’s Gelato at this Bowen institution.
581 Artisan Ln.; 604-947-2996; www.cocoawest.com

_______________

Boy do they ever keep these pieces snappy. I think they cut over 50 words from my already ultra-tight submission. Either way, I’m happy to have profiled my favourite island!